Kids Need... Resilience (Bouncing Back After a Loss)

by Sensei Matt Dorsey of Martial Arts America

Losing and failing are some of the most important defining moments in a child's life. The innocence of childhood is shattered when a child has their first experience of losing something - a game, a sports event, a race, or when they fail at something like a test at school or not being chosen for an activity.

The pain of losing and failing often stays with a child into adulthood.  As parents, we can still feel the sometimes devastating loss of self esteem from those memories.

Helping your child frame the experience of losing and failing will give them a new, more empowering perspective on it.  Talking about the potential for failure before an important event is the best way to give your child the mental and emotional tools to deal it before it happens. Remind your child that no one wins every time, not even the greatest world champions.  It's how kids deal with failures that ultimately leads them to success.

Here are some starting points for discussion:

• When someone fails, how can they still get something positive from it?
• Doing your best means before the game, during the game and after the game.  How can a person do their best after a loss?
• What will help someone succeed the next time after a loss?  Being upset? Quitting? Blaming others? Or taking action to improve?

Martial arts sparring competitions pit one student against another.  At the end of the match, one person wins.  When I teach my students about how to handle losing, I remind them that one person is the winner and the other is the learner.  The learner can, if they decide to, take the experience and use it to grow and improve.  In a way, the winner helps the other person by giving them the opportunity to learn. 

When your child loses or fails at something, don't try to brush it away with "You tried your best" or "Don't worry about it, You'll do better next time" or worse, justifying it "You weren't feeling well" or "The referee made a lot of bad calls."

Instead, let them feel the feelings. Here are some better options for how to talk about it:

• "I'm sorry you lost.  You must be feeling sad."
• "I'm glad you didn't give up.  It's hard to keep going when you're not winning."
• "I know how important this was to you.  I can understand why you're upset."

Then, sometime in the future, bring up the subject of winning and losing again and let them remind you about ways to think about losing.  This empowering mindset will help your child see losses and failures for what they really are - stepping stones to success.

Sensei Matt Dorsey is the owner and head instructor of Martial Arts America.

He’s been training in martial arts for over 45 years and holds a 9th degree black belt in Isshin ryu karate, as well as a 2nd degree black belt in Iaido (Samurai sword) and a 1st degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do.  He also has experience in jujitsu, kali, tai chi and other martial arts. 

His passion for teaching children and adults led him to open his first dojo in 1980 and he’s been a professional martial arts teacher (including teaching our publisher, Debra Ross!) ever since.

This article is part of a series. Follow the links to read Sensei Matt's articles on goals and focus.

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